As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
