I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
