i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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