I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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