Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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