I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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