Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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