There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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