My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
