Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
