Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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