I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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