i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize