I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
