She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
