I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Floor bacon is actually really good
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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