My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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