Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I smell stomach acid.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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