I wish I could teleport
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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