I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
