Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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