New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
