Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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