dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
