the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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