that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
