I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
