I cockslap morals
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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