it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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