im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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