Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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