Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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