Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
