Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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