I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
