We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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