At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
