God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
