Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
