are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
