I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
