Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
