I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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