A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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