Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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