Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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