I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We are two peas in an std pod
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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