Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
MIDGETS
????
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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