Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He passed out mid-signature
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
