I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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