Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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