I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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