He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
