i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
