My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
