when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
