It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
