i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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