Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
