He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
