So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
